First, I have to come clean. I’ve never watched a full episode of “Dog: the Bounty Hunter.” I’ve caught a scene here and there: Dog and friends in the SUV, about to pull up to a seedy apartment complex. A full-screen shot of Beth’s cleavage. You know, the regular.

When I first moved to Hawaii, a few of my friends asked: “so, have you seen Dog yet?” To which I responded: “He’s from here?” One could say I’m a Dog neophyte.

But when I heard that Duane “Dog” Chapman would be at Da Kine Bail Bonds today, signing autographs, I knew I had to go. Because today I had a mission: to get autographs for seven friends, deployed to Iraq and Afghanistan. And since I’m six months pregnant, the ironic side of me really wanted to get a photo of my big ol’ belly with him for the baby album.

There were no fancy press passes for this gal. Nope, I got the authentic, wait-in-line-with-the-rest-of-humanity treatment. Waiting in line, as it turns out, is half of the fun. The people standing behind me weren’t—strictly speaking—standing behind me. Rather, they milled impatiently beside me as I read my new Dog the Bounty Hunter book, flashing them the occasional incredulous look. There are always those side-standing people near me in a line. It’s just a cross I must bear.

To my front, a nerdy dude in a freshly-purchased aloha shirt fidgeted. He loudly quoted Dog facts from his book and said such gems as:

“I don’t think Dog will be here long because he’ll have to get back to cleaning up the streets.”

And:

“Don’t worry about someone stealing your camera. If they did, I bet Dog would chase them down.”

You can’t make this stuff up. I would have killed to be in the room when this guy met Dog. Something hilarious must have come out of his mouth But alas! We were split up into groups.

First, I met the secondary cast: Baby Lyssa, Leland and Duane Lee. I was impressed by how normal they seemed, and that they listened attentively to my schpeil, which went something like this:

“Hi. I’m in the Army Reserves and if I weren’t hapai, I’d be with my unit in Afghanistan. Can you sign seven photos for my friends who are there right now?” Happily, they obliged.

Then (drumroll please) I was whisked in to meet Dog, in all his mullet-ed glory, looking like he’d channeled an 80’s rock star as he dressed himself.

I repeated the schpeil. He was genuine in his interest, even asking me if I’d been deployed—which I have. He said “thank you for doing what you do.” What do you say when Dog thanks you? Stammer a lame “you’re welcome,” apparently.

He signed each of my seven photos “stay alive, Brah.” It’s almost poetic in it’s simplicity. Any more effusive and it would have been cheesy. I think it’s the only thank you I’ve ever heard for being a soldier that seemed totally unselfconscious. (Oh, I really am a part-time soldier. It wasn’t just a ploy to get more autographs.)

“When are you due?” Dog said, and was very surprised that I was only six months along, considering my gigantic belly.

Somewhat flustered, I explained “I’m very short, so there’s nowhere for the baby to go but out.” Dog looked me up and down, and he said: “yeah, you are kind of small.”

Then, we took a photo together. Ladies, don’t be jealous, but I actually got to touch his famous blonde mane. It’s not difficult to do, because that mullet is all over the place. When we cuddled up for the picture, my hand got lost in it. It felt of Aqua Net and Sun-In. It was perfect.

My meet and greet with Beth was the shortest of all the encounters. She was distracted, but sweet. I forgive her, because she was doing segments with a Channel 2 news team, describing Dog’s involvement in some new charity work here in Honolulu. I had no idea he was a do-gooder. I left the event, thoroughly charmed. Now I gotta start watching the show.

In summary, these are the important things you should know from my “date”:

• Dog and his family are far handsomer in person than on TV
• Dog does good stuff for his community
• Standing in line with tourists is funny
• Beth’s famous cleavage is actually larger than it appears on TV
• And seven guys in Iraq and Afghanistan will get a special Christmas present this year, thanks to Dog

So thanks, Dog…

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Categories: Blog
Tags: Baby Lyssa, Beth Chapman, Da Dog House, Da Kine Bail Bonds, Dog, Dog The Bounty Hunter, Duane Chapman, Duane Lee, Features, hapai, Hawaii, In Dog We Trust, Leland